Monday, July 12, 2004
Hurgh...here we go.
Long distance relationships suck. I know this. I knew this getting into it. I love my boyfriend, I wouldn't trade what we have for the world, but sometimes I just wish the situation itself didn't suck so much.
I haven't been myself since he went home. I've gone and done stuff; I keep busy for the most part, and sometimes I even have fun. But when I'm not doing things there's just this empty quiet, this WRONG feeling that hangs over everything. Some days I'm fine and other days I just kind of wander through the time. Before all this, I rarely cried at all. I'd certainly never cried myself to sleep. Now, it's kind of funny...I curl up into my little ball and sniffle, and the cat runs her paw down my nose until I fall asleep. I swear to god, it's the strangest thing.
I thought I'd be okay once we set a date for a definite answer. Okay, I thought, I can deal with this. I just really needed to know one way or the other, and I guess having a day by when I WOULD know kind of helped. And then it looked like he'd get that job in Raleigh and I accepted that. It was a great opportunity and seemed like a wide open door. I could deal with three more years of sparse visits if I had to, I just wanted to know if that would be the case.
Apparently not. Once again I was looking at move that could go either way. Maybe he's coming up here after all. It's a huge decision to make, I know that. I don't know what I would do, were the position reversed. Granted I'm more used to taking the plunge and relocating myself without any prior experience or contacts in a place, but then I kind of have to be. It just seemed to me that he wasn't having any luck where he was, so what could relocating hurt? He was all ready to come up and give it a shot before...and then things got rescheduled and suddenly he can't be here for another two weeks, if that. I guess I just don't see how the two weeks make such a big difference, since he hadn't made much progress in that time. There must be things here that I don't understand.
So long story short, I'm two days away from the decision day and I think I just may throw up. I'm a nervous wreck, moody, generally unhappy.
The horrible thing is that he knows it. He knows there's something wrong, and he tries to cheer me up. Unfortunately his efforts amount to jack shit, as he's the source of the current funk. But it's not like I can tell him that. I don't want to influence his decision like that. At least I have a bunch of other genuine reasons that could add up to grumpy mood. Work and family and generally an unpleasant week ahead. I just neglected to mention that Tuesday factors bigtime into the unpleasantness.
Just now he says goodnight. "Sleep well, and I hope the week goes better for you than you think it will. ^^" Oh jesus...well that makes two of us, then.
I don't know what I want out of this. I want him to find a job he likes and get out on his own and do his thing. I want him to be successful. But I'm tired of outcomes flipping and flopping, I'm tired of this being all we talk about, I'm so tired of being strung along, waiting for something to tilt the balance one way or the other. I need this to come to an end before I go out of my mind. Please just give me something to accept, whether he comes or stays.
This morning my mom wakes me up and wants to take me out to practice driving. She laughs and says that maybe Nick can teach me, when's he coming? I don't know, I tell her, probably not at all. Surprised, she asks if we're still seeing each other, are we breaking it off if he doesn't come up. No, that's not it at all, I explained...the whole plot was only ever a possibility to begin with. Ah, she says. Just 'ah'. I can't help but wonder.
What I wanted to tell her was that I know, in my gut, that he's not coming. I've always known that, even when she first made the offer available. I was so happy at the idea that I couldn't figure out how to tell him about it at first, but I never felt confident that it would happen. There was always that sinking feeling in my stomach. I'm rarely wrong, where my gut's concerned. And all these maybe's and what if's have only made me feel my initial instict was right. I guess it's a good thing. It's hard to be let down hard when you're already bracing yourself for impact.
I would be so happy for him if he could find a job down there somewhere. I'd just be miserable for me.
Questioning my solitude at 05:01 a.m.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
More emotional dreck. DUCK! INCOMING!
I am a self-depriciating person (I am also fairly certain that I misspelled that word). I play down my achievements because out there, somewhere, there is always someone who is better than you are at what you do. Unless of course you've just been handed an olympic gold medal, in which case you are the very best. Enjoy it. Somebody out there is training to kick your ass down off your pedestal, bucko.
But it seems to me that there's a clear distinction between humility and wallowing in your shortcomings.
I have a friend who I love very much. We met totally by chance one random day. She was witty and intelligent and I was utterly thrilled to have someone like her to talk to, to debate with, to call 'my friend'. Age, height, weight, hair color, it didn't matter to me because we had so many interests and views in common with just enough differences to keep things interesting. The only other person in my life who I have as much fun talking to is my significant other.
The problem is that this friend refuses to recognize her self worth. It doesn't help that her situation is working against her at every turn, attempting to convince her that she's stupid and young and unworthy of the slightest recognition. I have tried my hardest to make her believe that I don't think she's stupid, that I love her and think she has enough potential and talent to go wherever she wants to go. She's so much smarter and better read than I am! She drops little comments and observations about situations that just leave me reeling at her intelligence. And yet it always comes back to what I have finally come to see as her own self-hatred.
She blows up sometimes, goes cold and distant at the slightest mention of my college life. I know she just wants to get away from that gaping blackhole of teenage stupidity-laced-hormones that is highschool, but I can't help but feel a little hurt when she snaps at me. Okay, fine, so I've reached the point where I try not to mention my goings-on as much. I'm sure I'm doing a really shitty job of this, since keeping up a conversation usually involves incidents in ones day-to-day life, but I do try.
The trouble is that I'm involved in things that she isn't, can't be. I know it hurts her. She feels left out and isolated, unwanted. I can't change the situation to include her as I would like to, but she seems to think that I'm deliberately keeping her out because I don't want her around. I cringe every time I mention something that I'm doing/have done with other friends, because I know it'll hurt her. She sometimes gets angry over these things. Often, in fact. So often that I'm finally beginning to become angry in return.
After all, there are only so many times you can tell someone that you want them around, can't easily imagine being without them. There are only so many ways to reassure someone that they're loved and needed, smart and special. The sucker-punch-line here is that you can tell someone these things all you like, but you can't make them believe it.
I've begun to resent her for her moodswings. I don't get snarky when she goes off with other friends and comes back to tell me about the fun she's had. I'm not a part of that and that's okay with me! People have circles of friends. Sometimes they overlap and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they touch around the edges, so that you become wistful and wonder what it might be like to a part of that other circle.
I hate that I have to watch every little thing I say to her, that ever since I graduated I've had to be on edge, guarded, when we talk and joke. There are nights when we can talk about anything, and nights when I feel like I'm playing that party game where you're blindefolded, feeling your way around on a blanket covered in crackers and eggs. Something crunches no matter where you step, and if you're unlucky you'll end up with a mess. I shouldn't have to guard my speech around her the way I do! I've told her time and time again that I'm not going to up and leave her as I grow, but I can't help it if she's determined to be left!
I'm getting real tired of building her up only to watch her knock herself back down. It happens more and more frequently these days...lather, rinse, repeat. I don't know what to do. I love her dearly, but sometimes the urge to throw in the towel is almost overwhelming. I know I won't do it, but I do snap back at her.
I did that tonight. Rambled on about a subject she wasn't interested in in an effort to make conversation. Okay, change of topic...or not. Fine. I'd had it, I can be a snarky bitch too. So I was. And now we'll just have to see what comes of it.
Shit, why can't friendships be like they were in kindergarten, when you gave a kid your jellocup and were instantly tied by the bonds of gelatin fruit snacks to be friends for life?
Questioning my solitude at 02:01 a.m.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
I've recently realized that I abhor seeming stupid.
No, really. I put a lot of time and energy into coming across as intelligent, literate, and well spoken. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've always been surrounded by older people. When I was little I was my mother's confidant; she told me about her adult problems because she just didn't have another adult around to vent to. When we went to parties I preferred to sit with her and listen to the grown ups' conversation instead of playing out back with the other kids. In school all my friends were older, simply because I skipped a grade. I remember people treating me like a stupid little kid, based on my age, or like a freak, based on my brain. It seems like I've always been walking the fine line between too young and too stupid.
So when I mess up in class, it bothers me. I withdraw. I kick myself repeatedly. I beat myself up over it. I grind the right answer into my brain, if at all possible, because god forbid I look stupid. Nevermind that everybody else is preoccupied with their mistakes.
When I'm wrong, I admit it. I'm usually pretty good about laughing at myself ^__^ I've never had any real problems taking teasing. That's why I feel so bad about the way I've been acting lately. I can't believe I've been such a snippy bitch. I guess it all just sort of happened at a bad time. I'm having enough trouble keeping my facts straight and maintaining a decent grasp on the material in class. Maybe I didn't need someone in my private, nonacademic life pointing a finger in my face and going "HAH!" over something that was more the result of misinformation than anything. It's more my fault for breaking one of my cardinal rules: "If you don't know shit about the subject, just shut the fuck up"
Whatever the case, it's all okay now.
Questioning my solitude at 04:01 p.m.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
I don't get mad. I get apathetic. And right now I'm feeling pretty damn apathetic (blame it on the ovaries, I am easily set off right about now). It was just a stupid disagreement, and I'm more bothered by the fact that it took up the only free night that I'll have to play until friday than anything. I have so much fucking work to do this week that I'd kind of like to spend my sparse free time doing something a little more fun that watching Katie and Nick snipe at each other about plot semantics and the finer points of puberty. Is it too much to ask that they bitch at each other in a different screen? She just needs to loosen up a little. The point of RP is to have different characters act their own way and make their own decision to reach some unknown outcome, not to work on a preset path! I don't know why she picks at Nick so much...I don't know why I get in the middle anymore either. I just get pissed off and end up dropping out of the RP, not just because anything I say could be seen as taking sides, but also because it's so easy to snap at everybody involved.
Tomorrow is class 'til five, bellydancing at six, and then some stupid society meeting at nine, and weds is class until eight and an out of class movie until tenish...thursday is anime night, which I'm looking forward to as always, but so many late nights all in a row... Somewhere in there I have to squeeze in time to work on the comic, which should eat up all the in-between-class time available to me. Argh.
But listen to me whine about all the work I have to do. *snort* I have it pretty easy compared to Angel, working three goddamn jobs to put herself through school. I'm amazed and disgusted at my ability to find something to whine about, even with things like that to keep me in perspective.
I guess I'm also kind of bothered by the fact that the boyfriend's brother seems to think I'm just another dumb chick. I'm not making any effort to sound particularly intelligent at the moment (because nobody reads this blog anymore so it's a method of privately blowing off steam), but I'm really not...I don't know why this opinion matters, but it does.
Ugh, listen to me gush about ovaries and SOs. I am just another ignorant chick.
Hm, I don't feel as good as I usually do after venting...that's odd. I rather like having the now-abandoned blog space, because there are so many things I want to bitch about and get off my chest but can't bring up to my friends because none of it is particularly important or pertinent to anything. I don't even have to be coherent here, or form impressive/witty sentences! YAY! I've come to hate it when people whine at me (there's a difference between whining and needing comfort/advice, I find), so I see no reason to whine at them.
That said, I anticipate a whoooole lotta japanese bitching here in the future...
It is way past time for bed.
Questioning my solitude at 01:46 a.m.
Friday, December 12, 2003
Things I accomplished today:
-Managed to fit three weeks' worth of clothes, bathroom stuff, christmas presents, and art supplies into two duffle bags and my bookbag. A pretty impressive feat if I do say so myself.
-Did dishes. They were sorta piling up...
-Traded my used textbooks for cash (*sigh* measly 53 bucks. I'm pretty sure they cost me a couple hundred to begin with)
-Burned a couple CDs for the busride
-Psych final.
Now about that last one...I think it went okay, all things considered. I felt the same way coming out of it as I have with every other Psych test, and I have yet to do badly on one of those things. There was just one thing...
I had to miss that class the Tuesday before thanksgiving because I had to catch the bus home. I guess a lot of people had the same problem, because very few kids showed up that day. We were all snidely told that we would not be able to get the notes from that day, and that we WOULD be tested on them. -_- Most of us just got it off a friend who had been there.
Our prof must've caught onto us, though, because question #somethingorother on the test was:
What did we do in class the Tuesday before Thanksgiving?
...wow. I am floored by the immature vindictiveness...One of the girls in that class put it aptly by saying that our prof was "like a little kid, and nobody came to her birthday party"
*rolls eyes*
That said, I'm gonna shut down the computer and run a few more errands before catching the bus outta town ^_^ Happy Holidays/New Year, and I'll probably catch a couple of you around.
Questioning my solitude at 02:29 p.m.
Monday, December 8, 2003
...I choked.
And no matter how well I did on the written, it doesn't count for shit. The written exam gets averaged in with the other quizzes. It's worth...maybe 2% of my grade.
Fuck.
Questioning my solitude at 03:07 p.m.
Sunday, December 7, 2003
*blows the whistle*
Okay children, let's discuss the rules of the playground real quick:
1) Share your toys. Let someone else have a little fun, even if it's at your expense.
2) Take turns. Be willing to sit out of activities when you've had your fair share. Nobody likes a swing-hogger.
3) Have a sense of humor. Teasing is just that, teasing. If you want to have a tantrum, be prepared to sit in the corner.
4) Take your naps. Really, we'll all benefit from them in the long run.
5) Don't sweat the small stuff. So what if someone pulled your hair? What're you gonna do, snipe about them behind their backs? This is kindergarten, after all. I should hope we left that sort of spite behind in pre-school.
6) One at a time. Do not mob the playground monitor all at once. Stand in line for snacks, kiddies.
That'll be all.
(Not directed to anyone in particular...but good god, all the infighting going on around here. O_o CG's boards, especially.)
Questioning my solitude at 02:40 a.m.